1 year later

I find it interesting how I can feel so aware of myself and what is happening in and around me but then be so completely unaware of what is about to happen.

Today is Noah's 1 year check up. It is all flooding back. Everything from the NICU, birth, bedrest, surgery, bleeding, hospital visits, fear, fear and more fear of losing my baby and myself and my family. I am accepting that these feelings are something I will own forever. There is sadness when there is trauma and fear. Period. And my trauma and fear is a part of me that has made me who I am today. 1 year later.

I didn't have a "normal" pregnancy.
I didn't get to exercise during pregnancy. Not even walk.
My pregnancy was filled with fear and unknown mortality, not joyful expectation.
I was forced to stop working immediately.
I was forced to stop everything that required me being mobile immediately.
I didn't have an unmedicated birth.
I didn't have a vaginal birth.
I didn't get to see my son be born.
I didn't get to be the first person to hold my son.
I didn't get to hear my son's first cry.
I was told that my son was ok, without first seeing him.
I didn't have a baby shower for my son.
I didn't get to take my baby home from the hospital when I left.
I didn't get to breastfeed my baby from birth.
I didn't get to care for my baby for his first month.
I could go on.

I am allowing myself this moment to filter through some of the reality of my experience surrounding Noah's birth. I need to. As the say, "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem". And since I am a fast mover...I will be taking many steps in my "recovery" ASAP. That's how I do it.

I am filled with a natural outpouring of tears and emotion today that feels very cathartic, now that I feel like I have a better sense of what is happening to me.

Fortunately Matt is home today and was able to go with me to Noah's 1 year check up. I think that the Dr visit brought back the memory of worry and fear. Fear of Noah not gaining enough weight. Fear of taking him in for "weight checks" ( which is now a BAD word in my vocabulary), fear of what the Dr would find or tell me, fear of him catching a cold at the Dr's office and risking hospitalization again...
But facing my fear, we bring my happy little boy in to the Dr. and he checks out perfectly. I was able to talk to the Dr about my feelings and she agreed they they are very normal and natural for NICU moms and PTS experiences. Check. Talking it out and receiving confirmation helped me a lot.
Then I get to talk to a friend about my feelings and that helps to keep my ground. Then I plan an outing that involves food and shopping with a friend. If I stay at home I know I will just be in a mental space fighting for obsession or retreat. And I do not want to subject myself or my family to that. My next step is a good workout at Crossfit followed by dinner and family worship night.
That should do the trick for today.

Happy anniversary Noah James. Happy anniversary pregnancy. Happy anniversary NICU.

Thanks for making me an even better me. I love you for that and wouldn't change a thing.

 

 3lbs 9oz

   

                                                              20 lbs.... and growing!