Today was a long day. It started with Matt being at home last night to sleep. This means i was alone for the first time in months. Let alone, alone since the birth. I had felt good and particularly strong so far. But then things changed. I found myself not tracking my pumping hours, second guessing my schedule and Noah visit due to my sleeping plan for the night changing. I worked on my laptop, subconsciously attempting to distract myself. The poor Derma Bella team was blasted with emails and my inbox is tidy! At some point a woman is laboring and birthing her baby next door and I can hear every push abs moan. I am the lookie-loo type at an accident scene, so it was pretty exciting, but a little confusing as it was throwing my night off even further. I had my normal dose of pain med's given in the middle of the night but on an empty stomach it made me feel not well and added to throwing me off more. Not resting. I felt a strong need to just get in to see Noah, especially as sleep, pumping and rest was slipping through my fingers fast. So that's what I did. I believe it was 3:00 and just got up and walked to the nicu. Immediately I felt a wave of emotion as soon as I walked toward his ark. Tears start streaming, slowly just leaking out. I don't resist as I have learned to respect and appreciate my tears more.I am consoled by Noah's nurse. She is calm and reassuring about just how hard the discharge day is for moms with babies in the nicu. I think a flash about all that I have been through the last week, 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, year. Ok wow, yes, love the tears. Thank you tears. I hold Noah and he nurses a little and makes me feel proud and accomplished from my spontaneous visit. I am calmed and quieted by him and just breathe. I take some photos and enjoy our alone time and gain strength from him to move forward to the unknown of what me going home may mean.
I feel better and leave more composed, but get in my room alone and need more help. I reach out to a few friends for a little boost and they deliver great words of strength and reassurance. My nurse consoles me also, commenting on how well I am doing. All the support it helping. The nurse finally tells me I get to take my time and can stay all day if I need or want to. Ahh, no pressure. Ok, I decide I need to get a little rest, eat, drink, pump and see Noah one more time before I go. Matt and I set a time of 3 for him and Olivia to come take mama home. Perfect. I get to take care of everything I need to. I proceed with the plan and even got a visit from an amazingly supportive mom friend and daughter during lunch. It was a wonderful boost and lift to my heart.
Staples came out in a quick and painless fashion. All is looking great with my incision.
Looks like I am pretty free to go. I tidy up, change gather my things and Ms Olivia enters my room and adds a huge swell to my heart. Ahh, my family. We hang out a little and gather my things and get into the car. I'm free!! I'm alive and have a healthy baby and get to walk! Woohoo! Life is good. I feel tired and fatigued and a bit in pain from the incision. I realize that I have worked a lot today physically and will need to pace myself well. We enjoy a car ride home with Olivia chatting and saying mama dada the whole way home. I can't remember the last time I rode in a car with her. Ahh
I get home, exploring the house a little, slowly get in and up 2 sets of stairs to my room. We set up to pump and then I nap. Wow, Tempur-Pedic is my friend. My bed feels amazing for so many reasons.Ahh, i am home. Safe. Dinner is served in bed and I then get ready for Matt and I's visit to see Noah. We are doing it! We are now living our new life and it is going well! I am so excited that I can get myself dressed, showered, stand, move so freely! But it is tiring and slow go. Slow is good.
Olivia is tucked into bed. Our friend that we have just today arranged to cover our first Noah feeding shift, heads to the house and we are relieved to head out for our "first" from the hospital family date! I am so thankful for this wonderful sister that Jeh has provided so last minute to allow us to take care of our little Noah. I realize that yes, this will all work out well and I do not need to stress about it. We have the best help available and I do not need to worry. Peace and relief have come upon me and excitement to see Noah!
We get to into the car and I feel such a new, long awaited freedom from bed rest. This is so nice. We get to the hospital and NICU. We arrive with just enough time to take Noah's temp and change his diaper before the feeding, which is standard for the nurses. If family is available at that time, they can opt to do this. Matt gets to do that and I watch. He dies a great job and Noah is pretty much undisturbed by it. Except his bowels that is. While changing his diaper, Matt as wiping him up and Noah has a "movement". We remember the nurse saying to us, "with boy's it is good to get that diaper on, since they like to go pee". Oops, not fast enough this time. But Noah, this was not pee. And another! Matt wipes up again and finally gets a clean diaper on a little clean butt as I try to assist with keeping up with clean warm wipes, almost tripping and falling over the tight space we are working in my relaxed awkward state. So funny and sweet. Our first new parent fumble. It was awesome.
Matt takes his Noah snuggle time and gets in on some skin to skin with Noah. So precious. Noah doesn't fuss at all during the transition. I pull him out of his bed without the nurses assistance and s little from Matt to make sure I don't trip up on his monitors. We are going for it! I give him Noah to Matt on his chest and he snuggles up right away. He looks around a little, talks with Daddy, and is so content. I watch in awe.
It is time for his feeding so we switch places. I get him in position so that if he wanted to try to nurse, he can and is ready. He latches on just 2 times and is pretty much a warm sleepy, snuggly boy after that. I let him be. The nurse told us that at the last feelding, he was given a little vitamin fluid and still had a little in his tummy. So he may have been still working to digest that and not quite hungry yet. Which could explain the sleepy state and less ambition to nurse. He was already working hard. We understand the nurse explaining that "he is training for a marathon" and there are different workouts at different times. Noah in training. He is such the athlete already.
It is relaxing to have him just lie there on me during and after the entire feeding, without me being as active as a coach today. Our nurse gives us some insight on my daily visits to see him. I feel pretty "set up" with a plan and she reminds me to keep taking care of myself and my milk supply. Then visit him. She encourages us to have a plan, but to keep it loose as I need to, in order to prioritize and adjust my care daily. All excellent and helpful advise. We wrap up the feeding and the nurse puts him back in bed and he gets tucked back in and seems fast asleep when we leave. Sleepy baby.
Ahh, success! We did it!
We walk out of the NICU and head home. It is cool and clear. A beautiful night indeed. I am elated to be walking, not afraid, feeling content, excited, releived, accomplished, proud, and free.
We head home, proud parent, talking, attempting to formulate a plan to see Noah. Matt's logic is so helpful and we come up with a super visiting plan for me to visit Noah for the 11:30 and 2:30 feeding consecutively. Matt can drop me off and pick me up just before and after Olivia's nap time of 12-2pm. Seems perfect! The hospital even has vouchers so I can eat there between sessions, pump and even get a little rest in a nursing/family room. Sweet! Since the hospital is close to many friends,I figure I may make dates with some to sit with me as they are available during this time with Noah. Then Matt and I will return in the evening together at 8pm for the 8:30 feeding.
It is all falling together nicely. We deserve a star!
We get back to the house and thank our wonderful friend for holding down the fort. I get to pumping and we chat for a few minutes. Then a little snack, and off to bed close to 11.
Up at 1:30 to pump and blog. Next sleep shift will be my long one. Hopefully. Meaning I will allow sleep a priority over the every 2 hr pumping for this one shift. This will hopefully allow for a 4 hour stretch of sleep or so.
So off I go.
The day: Hard, emotional, wonderful, perfect. In that order.
Noah updates: Noah got his IV out of his arm today. He doesn't require any additional vitamins or fluids outside of breast milk now. So we get to see his little arm free from the club like bandage and boarded IV. He is also stopping his light therapy since his jaundice is making improvement. Nice Noah! We are so happy and proud of your accomplishments so far. His weight had dropped a tiny bit today but he is still hovering near his birth weight, which is great and normal. What a miracle indeed.
Mom update: Release from hospital and staples removed.
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